Upside Down You Turn Me

Now that I am over forty, I have to say that I am bothered by the southern migration of my face. Seems as though someone implanted a magnet into my chest and the skin around my mouth in particular was eager to get to the magnet first. I don’t believe in plastic surgery (aren’t we tortured enough already, to say nothing of the risk). Nor would I be eager to inject anything like Botox which is a combination of the terms “botulinum” and “toxic.” in my book.

Here is what Wikipedia says about the stuff in Botox: “Botulinum toxin is a neurotoxin protein produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum. It is one of the most poisonous naturally occurring substances in the world, and it is the most toxic protein. Even worse than what I had mistakenly thought the “Bo” stood for. I thought it stood for bovine.

I figured why would I want cow particles in me? I am already trying my best not to be confused with a cow from the outside. With my luck they would find out that botox actually ends up paralyzing your face “as is” then I would look like I had Sad Cow disease since my parentheses (you know those deep grooves between the nose and mouth, I think the technical term is “nasal labia”) always make me look as though I have just read something sad or that I am an understudy for Grumpy.

Anyway, short of the knives and the needles, I decided to take matters in my own hands. I figured if gravity was making my face drop down like a heavy bag of groceries, the antidote would be to either stand on my head or lie down with my head hanging over the bed.

I am proud to say I can still stand on my head and for a long time too. I noticed lately though that it hurts my head, where it never did when I was a kid. Probably because whatever layer of protective fat was on the top of my head is now firmly lodged on my thighs, also thanks to gravity. So, instead I tried the lying backwards over the bed bit.

Everything was going fine and I was imagining that my face would look plump, flush and parentheses-free when I came back up until I noticed in the mirror that with my head hung over like that, a giant vein in my forehead bulged out hideously. I immediately pulled myself up and ignored the head rush. I’d be damned if I was going to look like some sort of troll with a throbbing vein in my forehead, even if it did mean I wouldn’t have parentheses. So, I am back to square one. Maybe I will try putting masking tape those parentheses at night…Stay tuned.