Portion Control and THAT Week

After he developed a thyroid problem, I remember my dog Kramer looking at me, with a seemingly sad/pleading expression on his face, as I doled out his meager, diet portion of food. I tried to comfort him by saying “Don’t worry Kramer, sometimes I wish someone would ration my food.”

Careful what you wish for. So here I am self-policing. I eat off of a salad plate instead of a dinner plate. I eat my teeny portion of granola directly out of my ¼ cup plastic measuring cup (even if it would burn more calories to wash the cup and a small bowl, I can’t be bothered). Whenever I shop for bowls and plates these days, I am drawn to the diminutive. The smaller the bowl, the bigger the portion looks, and I am definitely fooled by that every time. Put that same microscopic portion on a big plate and I will adopt the same seemingly sad/pleading expression my dog wore.

The whole eating on dishes that look like a child’s first tea set thing works pretty well until the week before my period. Then of course, I am looking for the “big salad” like Elaine from “Seinfeld” and unfortunately the desire to supersize (or really to regularsize) unfortunately does not stop at salad. Especially dangerous at this time of the month are things that you don’t put in a dish or a bowl. Things like chocolates that come in an assorted box, which you forgot about until that week when they suddenly shout out to you from behind the Ryvita crackers where you hid them. Or a muffin. Who cares what size plate it goes on? Certainly not me, during that week. Any attempts to be pious then are extremely brief and end in swift failure. A muffin which is cut into proper portions, nevertheless gets eaten in one sitting (though getting back up to get the other half undoubtedly burns a few more calories than eating the whole thing in one go).

The other problem during that week is the constant struggle to satisfy the maddeningly alternating though nevertheless consistent cravings of the sweet then salty, then sweet, then salty, …well, you get the idea. You know, the ice cream, then pretzels, then chocolate, then popcorn… I am proud to say, I have found a way to handle this struggle once and for all: an ice cream sundae with peanut butter sauce and salted peanuts on top. Just don’t ask me for the portion size.