Damn the Clams

Tum's the Word! That's my motto for today, unfortunately. You see, in a moment of weakness and amnesia, I ordered (and ate most of) a fried whole belly clam dinner yesterday. I took momentary leave of my senses and forgot about my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and threw caution to the wind. I was taken in by the smell of that yummy seafood and the salty water which the restaurant overlooked.

I even joked about it before I dug in. I announced I would probably regret it later, but concluded with my usual ender for any argument "whatever." My mother-in-law joked that she wouldn't need to do the special preparations tomorrow for Tuesday's colonscopy, all she needed was the clam roll she had ordered. We laughed about it then, but something tells me if I called her around 4 am when I was writhing in pain, rolling around the bed and keeping my husband from sleeping, she would probably be up, and no longer laughing either.

So, today I am going about my routine in a sleep deprived fog. That's what happens when you spend the hours of 3 am-6am writhing in pain, with a few trips to the bathroom thrown in for good measure. I had great intentions of going to my 6 am gym class and to get up early to start adjusting to UK time (where we are headed Wednesday night) to avoid jetlag. Well, it feels like I have the jetlag today, though I have yet to board the plane.

So dear reader beware, in this season of shore vacations, don't be as dumb as me if your stomach does not have the strongest of constitutions. Or at least don't be as piggish. I should have split something healthier with a smaller portion of the clams. Instead, I reasoned, what the hell? How many times do I get local whole belly clams? May as well go whole hog. A squealing hog is what I ended up behaving like early the next morning. Squealing in pain and as bloated as a pig.

Trust me, I am now certain that "whole belly clams" is a double entendre, one refers to the fact that you get the whole belly of the clams, and the other is that your whole belly will be upset and you actually spent a few clams to suffer in this way!